doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce