Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.