i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son