[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture