you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Ken is short for chicken
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Muppet Screams
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?