Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.