Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*