Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.