Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that