Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk