ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”