Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Meow
