My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce