*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Tier 3 meme
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo