[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.