[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …