Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.