The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”