Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.