ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude