Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.