*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.