This hospital has everything
This hospital has everything
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.