[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.