“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
