Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape