My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST