me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.