*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.