ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan