[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.