[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco