[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses