Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
