Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Birdbox, but it鈥檚 just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you鈥檙e next
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald鈥檚
[McDonald鈥檚]
Me: we鈥檒l have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 馃檪
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*