[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS