Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.