[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here