I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.