Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs