My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later