My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?