pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.