You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”