[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️