[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station