Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober