“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.