Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this