When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience