anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand