I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.