Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.