I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out