Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.