Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like