Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
