I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice